Paper 7 - David as Parent

We usually focus on David the king. An effective military leader, champion of the Israelites, and beloved by God, David also had a few skeletons in his closet, namely his affair with Bathsheba and the ineffective parenting of his sons. The cause of much of his life’s pain, strife, and shame, David’s role as a father was marked by an apathy that persisted even in the face of the most horrendous of offenses. David’s parenting style lacked three necessary tenets, teaching, example, and correction. He related to his children in a distant, non-confrontational way, never addressing the sin in their lives. Whether it stemmed from his ever-present duty to his kingdom or guilt over his own sin, one thing is certain. The consequences of both our actions and inactions when it comes to our children are far more reaching than we imagine, affecting not just our own lives, but the lives of our loved ones for generations to come.         

First, the things that made David an effective leader may also be the very things that drew him away from his family. It’s only natural that we look to allocate our time and energy where we feel the most called, needed, and effective. Countless enemies fell at his hand, with God blessing him throughout his life. “So David did what God commanded and they struck down the Philistine army all the way from Gibeon to Gezer. So David’s fame spread everywhere, and the Lord caused all the nations to fear David” (1 Chronicles 14:16-17 NLT). Taking a cue from David, you’ll note that he was very faithful in consulting God in his “professional” life. He asked God prior to going into battle, proceeding only per God’s instructions. If God told David to confront his enemies in war, David did, particularly heeding any special instructions for battle tactics.

                This is a definite takeaway, in that often bringing God into our professional pursuits is the most difficult challenge. So much of modern professional ambition lies in direct opposition for God’s will and desire for our lives. Having the audacity to come before God boldly, seeking his will and intention for our lives is beyond admirable. Perhaps David was able to see first-hand the consequences of following after one’s own goals and listening to one’s self in his predecessor, King Saul. However, the pursuit of God’s will for our lives is not a Get Out of Jail Free Card for the rest of our responsibilities. As Christians, we are called to, “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21 NLT). This means that we have a duty to our spouses as well as our children (and extended family members for that matter).  

                Despite the fact that it may have been customary, taking on more than one wife was not within the Lord’s guidelines for David’s position. “The king must not take many wives for himself, because they will turn his heart away from the LORD” (Deuteronomy 17:17 NLT). With many wives, followed many children, and therein the trouble started. Perhaps David could have headed off some of the trouble among his children (and the animosity between half siblings) if he had taken the time to teach his children about God and his commandments. Israelite parents were all called by God to educate their children on God’s commandments. “And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up“ (Deuteronomy 6:6-7 NLT).

This verse proves that it is not enough to simply have a personal relationship with God. As parents, we are to also share our faith with our children. Teach them the Lord’s commands and inform them on his ways, in the hopes that one day they too will have a relationship with their heavenly father. There is no record that David took the time to teach his children the Lord’s commands. However, there is evidence that he was away on campaigns and often separated from different portions of his family. It is difficult to educate your children on the scriptures when you are not even present.  Perhaps it was necessary for David to be absent, while he was taking care of his kingdom responsibilities. Yet, that does not excuse his abdication of the proper Godly instruction of his children.

Further, David’s parenting style was also characterized by his example. As parents, our example is vitally important to our children’s perceived reality and emulation. Wilferd A. Peterson famously said, “Our children are watching us live, and what we are shouts louder than anything we can say.” Even if David had taken the time to tell his children about God’s commands, his sons were watching the type of man he was. How David lived his life, his actions, good and bad, was what they saw. Often, we assume that because kids are kids, they’re not paying attention. That is until they repeat that choice phrase in the most opportune of times.

This means that while David’s children saw his heart for God, they also saw his lifestyle and the sins he committed as well. Readers are not told whether or not David’s children patterned their hearts for God, but their sinful actions suggest that they did not. Even though David sinned, he did not fall into patterns of sin. When God weighed whether or not to tell Abraham of his plans to destroy Sodom & Gomorrah, he stated, “I have singled him out so that he will direct his sons and their families to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just. Then I will do for Abraham all that I have promised”  (Genesis 18:19 NLT). Hand-picked by God, the Lord instructs Abraham and his sons (including David) that the way to direct their sons and families is by doing what is right and just.

Sin in our lives that our children witness can often spiral out of control. Pretty soon, your family begins to see patterns emerge, with generational sinful behavior. It was no different with David. The greatest of his sons, Solomon, copied his father’s having multiple wives, and they led him astray as the Lord warned about. Then, even though he repented when Nathan confronted him, he still introduced both sexual sin in the form of adultery as well as murder for personal gain into his family. His one series of sinful behavior opened a whole can of worms among his sons. First, the son that was born as a result of David and Bathsheba’s affair died.

Further, David’s son, Amnon, followed his father’s example of taking what one wants sexually by raping his own half-sister, Tamar. This rape had numerous repercussions, both for Amnon and Tamar and for Tamar’s full brother, Absalom. “When King David heard what had happened he was very angry” (2 Samuel 13:21 NLT). We wait for David to take action on Tamar’s behalf, but setting the stage for further sinful destruction by his sons, nowhere is it mentioned that Tamar’s rape was addressed to Amnon. Despite his father’s anger, Amnon seemed to go unpunished.

Whether a result of his own guilt or simply avoidance to keep the “peace”, David did not properly correct his children.  By all accounts, it seems that David loved his children. Yet, Proverbs is filled with advocating for the proper discipline of one’s children, going so far as to state that parents who avoid discipline hate their children. “Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them” (Proverbs 13:24 NLT). Perhaps, Solomon learned from his father’s mistakes with his brothers. Without discipline, David’s sons grew into men who were accustomed to simply taking matters into their own hands, seeking after only their own desires. Not just with Amnon’s rape of Tamar, but also with Absalom’s subsequent revenge in his murdering Amnon.

Even after Absalom killed his brother Amnon, the king’s first-born son, David did not speak out or even attempt to punish Absalom after he fled. As angry as David was about the murder of Amnon, once Joab brought him back he greeted Absalom with a kiss. (2 Samuel 14:33 NLT). Did Absalom return David’s love and forgiveness in kind? Quite contrarily, he actually incited a national rebellion against his father after that. Perhaps, David’s lack of discipline caused Absalom to think him weak. No matter the cause, the lack of discipline in Absalom’s life essentially created a monster. Proverbs 29:17 states, “Discipline your children, and they will give you peace of mind and will make your heart glad” (NLT). Unfortunately, the lack of discipline in David’s children was the source of much stress, heartache, and grief.

While we may think that by not disciplining our children, we are keeping the peace in our homes and maintaining an open and harmonious relationship with them, we are actually dealing them a grave disservice. Without discipline, how are they to know the boundaries of your relationship, the moral compass of your family, and God’s will for their lives? It is impossible for children to have a true relationship with God without discipline and correction. Otherwise, if there was never any hint of wrongdoing, what need would they have for a savior? If we do not help instruct our children, correcting them when they go astray, they, like David’s sons, they will think that they are above reproach and can do things their own way.

Perhaps we feel as David may have, in that if we are guilty of the same sins and wrongdoings then we don’t have a leg to stand on when it comes to rebuking those same sins in the lives of our children. However, we can only move forward and learn from our mistakes as humans. Personally, I find that my own struggles give me credibility when I instruct and discipline my children. Plus, it opens up a great opportunity for discussing the blessing of God’s grace and forgiveness. The Lord himself is no stranger to the reproof of his children, “For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child” (Hebrews 12:6 NLT). As Proverbs 29 (NLT) details over and again, the discipline of a child is necessary for producing wisdom and for saving their souls.

A loved child is a disciplined child. We, as God’s children, are loved; therefore, he chooses to discipline us. We are to take this example into the lives of our own children, especially where motive and methodology are concerned. God disciplines out of love, not out of anger. The Lord is not subject to the violent perversions of humankind either. His discipline and consequences are just and fair, as should ours be with our children. When disciplining us, his ultimate goal is to retrain our focus on him, patterning our lives after Christ. In disciplining our children, that should be our ultimate goal as well. How are we able to do this? By spending time with him and in his word , since, “All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work (2 Timothy 3:16-17 NLT).

Finally, taking cues from David’s failings and combining them with his reverent love for God could prove transformative in both our own lives and the lives of our children as well. When we pick up where David left off by teaching God’s commandments, setting an example, and correcting our children when they stray, we are following God’s instruction for parenting.  What a great opportunity to create and instill the hope of God’s salvation in a new generation, as opposed to igniting multi-generational patterns of sin. ”Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them! He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates” (Psalm 127:3-5 NLT).